So where do you stand after a break up? Do you hate their guts, and warn everyone you know to NEVER, ever mention their name? Do you stalk them on facebook, and post contrived "fun" photos to show them what they are missing? Do you wish them the best, and then erase them from your phone? Or do you agree to be friends and pretend that you never shared the most intimate of experiences?
In my last break up, the decision was fairly easy....I wanted to pretend like the past 5 years never happened...for a while least. I literally didn't want to hear his name. I "de-friended" his family members on FB, took down all of the photos, changed his name in my phone to his last name just in case I accidentally, automatically texted something not meant for him. The final piece to this relationship cleanse was to leave the country for a few weeks...which I did. Before I left, the ex reached out to me. He was having a hard time dealing with the drastic change of me not being apart of his life. He was calling and texting and emailing me about how miserable he was. My initial reactiona: "Wow, he is miserable without me! He misses me!" Now- I'm not saying I wanted to get back together with him. The excitement was for the resurrection of my dying ego. After about a week of his sad messages, I gave him a call.
Me- hey, how are you???
O- hanging on
Me- wow you sound really down still, have my words of encouragement helped you at all?
O- nope
Me- oh ok.....I'm a little confused, just to clarify, are you miserable because the only light in your life (me) is now gone, or because you're not happy....period?
O- well....us breaking up didn't help....but I'm just miserable
Me- sooooooooo the dark messages, sad emails, and depressing conversations are not a direct result of me not being your girlfriend
O-like i said.....that didn't help
Me- mmm...I'm leaving for Costa Rica on Wednesday. Also, I don't think we can be friends...at least for awhile.
When I hopped on that plane for Central America I was more than happy to leave behind the insanity of the situation I had gotten myself into. I intentionally did not get in touch with him at all when I was away. The farther I was from him, the more I realized that he was a miserable person, and misery loves company, and I was his favorite companion.
As soon as I returned from my trip he left me an angry message about how I didn't get in touch with him and how wrong it was because I said if he needs me, to email me. I was somewhat confused by this message, because when I said that I meant, "email me if you are dying....lose your job, or someone close to you dies".....otherwise I don't want to hear from you.
Over the next few weeks, I would get similarly mad messages pointing out the fact that he always contacts me first, and I was being a bad friend. I was doing a really good job of ignoring these outbursts of rage when one Saturday morning at 4:30 am I received the following messages via text
O- I'm not doing this anymore
My thoughts- "huh??"
O- I'm tired of sitting here like a d#ck
My thoughts- "what is he talking about?"
O- I thought we were friends, but I'm the one who is trying to keep this friendship alive
My thoughts- "I don't have friends that harass me"
O- To all you ladies out there....suck it!
My thoughts- "1. he's drunk 2. what ladieS is he talking about!? 3. I can't wait to tell my friends about that last line!"
This debacle of an attempted friendship on his part needed to be put to rest. I called him up and had to explain the difference between having a "honey" and having a "homie" and that I was neither to him anymore. In that conversation it became very apparent that my confusion in what he wanted from me in the past year or so of our relationship was a homie. Someone to chat with everyday, someone to listen to you complain, someone to go to the movies with etc... He did not want the responsibility of having a honey. Here's the last part of that conversation:
Me- I don't understand what you want from me..I thought we were "friend-ly"
O- I want us to be friends...when you said you were ready to be friends after you came back from your trip, I took that as gold
Me- You're lonely and I think you should get a dog.
Transitioning from honey to homie is never an easy thing, and something I am choosing not to do. This is especially hard when you realize that your former honey saw you as their homie for the majority of the relationship.
