From honey to homie

So where do you stand after a break up? Do you hate their guts, and warn everyone you know to NEVER, ever mention their name? Do you stalk them on facebook, and post contrived "fun" photos to show them what they are missing? Do you wish them the best, and then erase them from your phone? Or do you agree to be friends and pretend that you never shared the most intimate of experiences?

In my last break up, the decision was fairly easy....I wanted to pretend like the past 5 years never happened...for a while least. I literally didn't want to hear his name. I "de-friended" his family members on FB, took down all of the photos, changed his name in my phone to his last name just in case I accidentally, automatically texted something not meant for him. The final piece to this relationship cleanse was to leave the country for a few weeks...which I did. Before I left, the ex reached out to me. He was having a hard time dealing with the drastic change of me not being apart of his life. He was calling and texting and emailing me about how miserable he was. My initial reactiona: "Wow, he is miserable without me! He misses me!" Now- I'm not saying I wanted to get back together with him. The excitement was for the resurrection of my dying ego. After about a week of his sad messages, I gave him a call.

Me- hey, how are you???
O- hanging on
Me- wow you sound really down still, have my words of encouragement helped you at all?
O- nope
Me- oh ok.....I'm a little confused, just to clarify, are you miserable because the only light in your life (me) is now gone, or because you're not happy....period?
O- well....us breaking up didn't help....but I'm just miserable
Me- sooooooooo the dark messages, sad emails, and depressing conversations are not a direct result of me not being your girlfriend
O-like i said.....that didn't help
Me- mmm...I'm leaving for Costa Rica on Wednesday. Also, I don't think we can be friends...at least for awhile.

When I hopped on that plane for Central America I was more than happy to leave behind the insanity of the situation I had gotten myself into. I intentionally did not get in touch with him at all when I was away. The farther I was from him, the more I realized that he was a miserable person, and misery loves company, and I was his favorite companion.

As soon as I returned from my trip he left me an angry message about how I didn't get in touch with him and how wrong it was because I said if he needs me, to email me. I was somewhat confused by this message, because when I said that I meant, "email me if you are dying....lose your job, or someone close to you dies".....otherwise I don't want to hear from you.

Over the next few weeks, I would get similarly mad messages pointing out the fact that he always contacts me first, and I was being a bad friend. I was doing a really good job of ignoring these outbursts of rage when one Saturday morning at 4:30 am I received the following messages via text

O- I'm not doing this anymore
My thoughts- "huh??"
O- I'm tired of sitting here like a d#ck
My thoughts- "what is he talking about?"
O- I thought we were friends, but I'm the one who is trying to keep this friendship alive
My thoughts- "I don't have friends that harass me"
O- To all you ladies out there....suck it!
My thoughts- "1. he's drunk 2. what ladieS is he talking about!? 3. I can't wait to tell my friends about that last line!"

This debacle of an attempted friendship on his part needed to be put to rest. I called him up and had to explain the difference between having a "honey" and having a "homie" and that I was neither to him anymore. In that conversation it became very apparent that my confusion in what he wanted from me in the past year or so of our relationship was a homie. Someone to chat with everyday, someone to listen to you complain, someone to go to the movies with etc... He did not want the responsibility of having a honey. Here's the last part of that conversation:

Me- I don't understand what you want from me..I thought we were "friend-ly"
O- I want us to be friends...when you said you were ready to be friends after you came back from your trip, I took that as gold
Me- You're lonely and I think you should get a dog.

Transitioning from honey to homie is never an easy thing, and something I am choosing not to do. This is especially hard when you realize that your former honey saw you as their homie for the majority of the relationship.

Is it june yet?

Being a teacher, I tend to make many analogies between my life at work and my life at home. One such analogy is when it comes to relationships. The start of a new relationship is very much like September in the teaching world. New students, new personalities, writing lesson plans, revising old ones. Will the kids like me? Will I like them? How long until I can really be myself in the classroom? Some teachers feel you need to be a tyrant until December, then you can relax. By June, you are in teaching bliss. The kids know you, your expectations, your routines....your classroom runs itself. But how come it takes until June? Well, like anything else it takes hard work and time to perfect. Your confidence in who you are as a teacher grows over the course of those 10 months. It's hard to remember this fact when you start your school year. The first thing I hear my colleagues say is, "did they even read over the summer?" "Are these kids NOT as smart as last years?" As you struggle to acclimate yourself to your new tykes, you long for the easiness of the year past. From time to time you see former students in the halls, and you give them a nostalgic smile. "Why can't I have you back?"

Starting a new relationship is like starting in September. We can't help but carry with us the memories and ease of your last relationship. You know them, you know what to say, how to make them happy, what they like to eat, when to leave them alone. When that relationship ends, it's June! A fact I recently have found hard to remember. Starting over from scratch requires a lot of work and patience. I don't mean the kind of patience you need when your students says "I don't get it" one hundred times, but the "slow down" kind of patience. It's a good patience..but hard for a person like me who's quite impulsive.

About 2 weeks ago my patience was put to the test. I've recently started dating a new boo, who was an old boo, and is now a new boo again. We'll call him my boo for privacy sake. When it was established that old feeling are now new feelings, my impulsiveness kicked into high gear. I don't have a crush on, like, or find many men attractive. My boo came back into my life and reminded me of all of the things I had been looking for in a man. I was so excited and thankful that God had led us down the same path that I had tunnel vision. Everything I had worked so hard to regain in Costa Rica (learning to love just being with myself) was at risk....but I didn't care! I was in overdrive and my poor boo didn't know what he was in for.

That night I was at a work event, and I confided in a former teammate from work about him. The advice I was seeking was in the form of "what's the next step?' "Do I call him? Invite him over? Ask him to move in with me?" S (my former teammate) gave the advice of "if he's as awesome as you say he is, then just put that out there and invite him over." Delighted with his perspective, I texted my boo and asked if he wanted to come over. He responded with "I can't, I have plans, and I have plans tomorrow night too, what about this weekend?". I was so mad, and a little tipsy from the free wine, that I didn't respond. The whole way home I was questioning the situation. Had I misread what was going on? Was I making myself too vulnerable? I called every close friend in my phone and no one picked up! This wasn't looking good for my boo. It took every ounce of self control to not respond to "what about this weekend" because of my impulsive nature.

Thank fully, one of my closest best-ies J called me back just in the nick of time. She literally "talked me off the ledge". Here's the conversation.

Me- J, he's "busy" (sarcasm in my voice)

J- so?

Me- So??!! I feel like a fool

J- for what? Him having plans?

Me- Well, no....but why doesn't he want to see me?

J- How do you know he doesn't want to see you? He has plans Michelle! Do you want to date someone that doesn't have plans?

Me- well.....no

J- Here's your problem, you're used to a June relationship and it's September.....actually I'll give you November since you have a past

Me- J...you are wiser than your years

J- Don't be the crazy girl, because you're NOT....you're just starting over, and you have to get used to that.

In one conversation with J, my whole world became peaceful again. It is September..and I have to be patient. I've come to realize that, that doesn't mean my boo doesn't feel the same way...just, its going to take 10 months to get into the groove. As hard as that is for an impulsive maniac like myself to accept, I do. I now appreciate the small steps we have been taking. The ease of the conversation, the level of comfort ability, the excitement of getting to know someone all over again. Just recently, a friend of mine in response to me dating my old/new boo, said, "that's soooo exciting, so many people in long term relationships wish they could go back and enjoy the beginning". That hit it home folks....September here I come!

You look great!

...did you lose weight? I hate when people ask me that. This of course insinuates that you had weight to lose. Or, even worse, the weight that you accepted as normal (I mean, without any daily exercise...which is normal, because who has time to exercise?) was not normal. "No! I didn't, but thanks!" is my usual response. I'm then left to figure out which of the following factors contributed to this twilight moment in my day. Here's the list:

1. I'm wearing black- which we all know is slimming

2. My underwear fit especially well that day (as not to pinch in a way that would produce a hip bulge)

3. I've finally found the correct height at which my pants should sit on my hips to make my extremely short torso appear longer, hence making me look slightly more thin

4. I'm not wearing a dress, which i do when I'm feeling bloated to make myself feel better. (Which inadvertently, makes me look bigger to the observer)

5. The stars are aligned

6. That person needs glasses

This whole summer I've gone with, "no...I'm just tan".

Most people accept this response as, "yes, that must be it", except for my friend T the other day. He said, "seriously, you look like you have been working out". I couldn't stop thinking about his comment all day. I for one, had not worked out all summer. In fact, during my 3 weeks in Costa Rica, I managed to find more entertaining activities to do with my time than attend my "already paid for" yoga classes. But, a tan can only take you so far, so what was causing all of these people to comment on my imaginary svelte new figure?

My reflection in this, brought me back to a memory of a time in my life as I would rather forget. I was teaching at my old school for my 5th year. At that point in my teaching career I didn't know enough on how to handle emotionally draining situations, but I was also too smart for the ridiculous actions and brainwashing of the administration at my school. I felt unsupported, uninspired, and unliked by parents and my principals. I woke up one day with what looked like a rash on my back. As the months passed, the rash spread, disappeared and reappeared in various locations all over my body. I went to doctor after doctor trying to figure out the cause of what was diagnosed as hives. It wasn't an allergy to food, or a skin irritation from something else. No one could give me an answer. I did know one thing though, when I would call the main office for assistance for the kid who just stabbed the other kid in my class with a pair of scissors, and no one would show up, I got really itchy!

 Interesting....I started to notice the correlation between the acts of insanity in my classroom and my itchy skin. When I researched this some more, I read information that said that you can have hives that are stress induced. The bad news was that this could last months, even years. Great....

What happened next? (Probably a topic for another blog) I was called in for jury duty in the month of June during that awful year. I happened to have a knack for listening to lawyers and telling them what they want to hear (especially when everyone else in the room is trying desperately to get out of it.) I was chosen for seat number 12 on a murder trial. This would probably cause the average Joe to get a case of hives, ironically it made mine disappear.

Now try NOT to focus on the poor sap sitting on trial for 1st degree murder of his girlfriend, but think about my new and improved situation! No more crazy kids, no more idiotic principals, no more stress! My new work hours were 10 am to 2 pm most days. In between listening to testimony I caught up on my episodes of Supernatural on my laptop. I ate lunch every day in the park at 12 pm, and I got to read the paper! I was becoming a version of my former self! Due to my new hours, I would hang out late into the night with old friends, talk on the phone, and even catch a movie here and there. My friends were astonished. "Michelle, what's going on with you? You look great!" "DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT????" At the time I brushed this comment off, didn't even think about it. My response, (hushed voice, lean in close) "no, I'm on a murder trial!"(Me smiling as if I just discovered the key to happiness). Yes, my friends were perplexed as to how the life sentence of one man, and the horrific death of his girlfriend could produce a radiant glow in me. Hopefully you understand it had nothing to do with their circumstances, but with removing the negativity from my life.

So no everyone, I did not lose physical weigh this summer, but I did lose metaphorical weight. The issues troubling me over the past few years have subsided. I've learned to let go, forgive, and move on with my life. A trip to Costa Rica, amazing friends, and a kindred soul from my past have all contributed to my "weight loss". It also made me realize that our bodies are an amazing thing! Just like not having to face an insane asylum everyday at my old job miraculously cured my hives, perhaps not having the stress of a past relationship did actually help to shed some pounds.

Or maybe I'm in such a happy place in my life that my "inner svelte body" is radiating out for all of the world to see:)