Church is for lovers

As promised- I visited the holy land today. I've been nervous, a wreck all week knowing that I committed to a Sunday morning. Part of the anxiety I realized, was not the act of going to church (I grew up in one), but what I might feel when I got there. As hard as it is to "get back to the gym" it's even harder to make yourself get something out it if. I am not one of those people who call themselves vegetarians because they just don't like meat. I've sat in church, this one in particular, thousands of times. Here's what it looks like:

1. I look around to see if there is anyone there from my childhood whom I would be embarrassed, if they recognized me after all these years, because I didn't take a shower.

2. The songs start, I try to sing along, but end up yawning uncontrollably

3. Pastor begins speaking

4. Me- looking through the bulletin for something interesting to read

5. Pastor- still speaking

6. Me- Still looking

7. Pastor- please stand and greet your neighbor on this beautiful Sunday morning

8. Me- "yes!" I actually love this part. It makes me feel like I'm a real church goer. "Good morning, no...peace be with you!" I could be a pastor.

9. Back to that bulletin

10. Pastor- "and now onto our message"

11. Me- Ok Michelle, here it comes. The reason you got up this morning. The answer to your souls restlessness.

12. Pastor- "God is like..."

13. Me- Did I finish that lesson plan yesterday? Why do I feel skinnier today than yesterday. Think Michelle, what did you do to feel skinny today? We have to do it again tomorrow! FOCUS!!!!!!!!

14. Pastor- "If you make God your..."

15. Me- He said, "If you make God your every... season?" See I am paying attention. Cue the music: "all the leaves are brownnnnnnn, and the sky is grey, I went for a walk, on this winters day!"

Hopeless

I've been failing at this for so long, because I was trying to be a fake vegetarian. I would go to church because my mom wants her children there (we know she really means heaven). My sister J and I do anything to hang out. She'll call and be like "want to go to church tomorrow?!" Like it's a coffee shop. We usually end up playing in the nursery with her kids for the service.

Today though- was different. I had a purpose. My eternal happiness was at stake! If a video camera was filming me throughout the service, you would have seen this:

*Me taking deep breaths

*Me resting my head on the wall

*Me silently reprimanding myself

*Me enthusiastically nodding my head in agreement

*Me smiling

*Me laughing at anything that resembled a joke

*Me looking up thinking "you're seeing this right?"

*Me thoroughly impressed by the pastor's use of visual aids, and audience interaction. Did he teach elementary education?

And like that- it was over.

It's amazing how focused you can be when you realize the gym can save your soul.

Namaste

Are you there God? It's me Michelle

Do you know that feeling when your pants are too tight? When you happen to catch a glimpse of a picture of yourself from years past- looking a little more svelte? What's the first thing you think? I need to start eating more salads and almonds! No more sugar in my coffee! You do that for a week before you start to go mad from lack of french fries and ice cream. It eventually hits you- no matter how healthy you eat- you will eventually need to drag yourself into the gym....and actually elevate your heart rate above 150.

You wipe the dust off your sneakers, convince yourself that your sports bra feels tight because you put it in the dryer, and get that ipod ready! "This is going to be great! I'm going to feel better! If anything, I'll make some new friends at the gym." You're pumped. You can feel the confidence of a new body...

That's how I feel about church. This thought process started when I read my mom's comment on my facebook page about my 1st blog entry on finding happiness. I have to admit, I was disappointed, mad even, that the only "advice" offered was to find God. The noise I made when reading this was the same noise my sister's neurotic dog makes when he thinks there's something under the stove. What did I do you ask? I ate a salad and had some almonds! I closed facebook, checked my email, watched the rest of Oprah, and slowly made my way back to the Internet. Why did she have to write that? Why did she make me feel even worse than I did before? Finding inner piece through spiritual enlightenment is like going to the gym! There's a lot of work involved. But- I have to admit I felt somewhat motivated by the idea of inner piece she was promising me...

Here's how the next few minutes unfolded:
1. I checked Oprah's website- there's got to be some organization or cause I can join to feel good
2. Haiti! They need me
3. Angels of God website- Almost adopted a Haitian child
4. Puppies..puppies with no legs....or eyes
4. Church website
5.Mission trips link
6. I'm going to Mississippi to help with the reconstruction efforts from Hurricane Katrina
7. Done! Mom- book me a ticket!

You have to understand that I come from the "go big or don't go at all" philosophy. I wanted to go backpacking, I went to Panama...alone. I wanted to help child less fortunate them me, I work in Harlem, I want stability in my life, I buy a house. So...naturally this made the most sense on my path to spiritual enlightenment. I was so excited that I almost picked up the phone to call my guru.

The only thing that stopped me was the look on my mom's face when I backed out of the trip because this idea is clearly in the "things I did on impulse" category.

Let's try church on Sunday first

Jim Jones-ified

Where do I fit in- isn't that what we are all searching for? I belong to ______college, ______club, _______sports team. What if you have been looking (for years) for that one thing you can say, "yes that's who I am, that's what I am". This my friends is what happens in your late 20's....unmarried, childless. Not that those things define you, but in your late 20's it's hard enough to make people stop asking "what's going on" with you. Now, I consider myself to be independent, liberated, modern in every sense of the word. But why is it that I have to keep measuring myself by my relationship status and number of children I'm bearing.

I've recently convinced myself that these are the things that will make me happy. A house in the suburbs (I just bought one...alone), a husband and a child...or two(in theory). According to the masses I am well on my way to happiness....but, what happens when your heart lies in a job 70 miles from your newly furnished home, the man you love's parents only got married a few years ago (they have been together for like 40 years and have 4 children), and you're not willing to compromise your lifestyle for a dog? It seems like I might need a new/different recipe for happiness.

This revelation happened at an odd time. It came to me after watching some dateline special about Jim Jones and his crazy church were "everyone is equal...colors don't matter, let's all eat the communal rice." I actually bought into this theory. I believed there could be a utopia on this earth. That people could live free from hunger, politics, racism, sexism, class ism.... we all could just get along! And then- they drank the kool aid. All 900 of them. Cut to a helicopter aerial shot of 900 dead bodies. But these people believed! How could it end like this? Me- sad- devastated. I turned to O and asked the same question, "how could that many people believe in something Jim said was suppose to be so good?" His response "they were brainwashed". Bam!- life revelation. Have people been telling me what's going to make me happy, or did I come up with that on my own? Just like that, I was Jim Jones-ified.

Was I really though?- that's what this blog is about. Trying to navigate through the advice, the insight, and hear say that always makes it's way to our subconscious. Welcome to my journey, my meditations on life.