Rain man and the old lady

Part 1

A few weeks ago, against my better judgement, I tried a new nail salon for a pedicure. Now, if you are like me, you are very picky and down right snobby about where you get your toes painted. The atmosphere has to be perfect. I usually peek in to see if there are any children lingering around. If there are, are they quietly reading a book? Or hanging on their mother complaining about how much longer? Are the massage chairs updated- massaging the back, neck, and legs, or are they the ones that just vibrate? Is it so crowded that you have to wait your turn, or if you don't have to wait your turn, will the pedicurist be too tired from a continuous stream of customers to give you a decent, albeit, free massage ? These are all of the conditions that I failed to look for that day.

As soon as I walked into Salon X, I was ushered to my chair. I have to admit I had a bad feeling in my stomach right from the start when I saw 3 salon workers hanging out while I was soaking my feet in cold water. Finally, a young man, I'm guessing around 20 years old, comes to my chair. OK- I'm thinking maybe this pedicure might suffice. A male pedicurist is usually a good thing due to the strength of their hands when giving a foot massage.

A few minutes into my pedicure I realize that my pedicurist is rain man. He starts with a polite, "hi, how are you?" I play along nicely for the first few pleasantries.

Then things start to turn ugly. Here's the rest of the conversation:

Rain man- did you just come from work?

Me- (confused by the question because I have water marks on my boobs from my bathing suit, and traces of sand on my legs) No, I just came from the lake

Rain man- oh, wow! Sylvan Lake?

Me- yes

Rain man- can anyone go to that lake? I love lakes

Me- no, I own a town house there

Rain man- What!!?? You own a house? How much do pay a month?

Me- It's not rent, I OWN it....are you asking me for my mortgage payment?

Rain man- oh I see....do you live there with your husband?

Me- (arrrghhh!!) NO

Rain man- No??!! Do you live there with your children?

Me- (arrghh!!) NO

Rain man- well then how do you own a house?

Me- (taking deep breathes) I work

Rain man- what do you do?

Me- I'm a teacher

Rain man- wow!!! How old are you???

Me- (you have to be kidding me! Am I am hidden camera?) 29

Rain man- well then why aren't you married? I have friends that are teachers, and they are all married....especially if you are 29.

I should have asked him how he felt about being a 20 year old man working in a nail salon picking dirt out of women's toes.

Needless to say I went home that day with my head hanging down...looking at my crappy pedicure. When I dragged myself into the house I looked right into the mirror. Did rain man just expose the insecurities of most 30 year old single women in 4 minutes flat? How could this be possible? I just came back from a 3 week journey of self love.

Part 2

The second half of this story happened right after rain man stole my dignity and self respect. I was sitting in my chair waiting for my toes to be painted. Since the other 3 salon employees were all on a break at the same time, rain man had to start the pedicure process on the elderly lady in the chair next to me. As the water was running, and she was rolling up her pants, I couldn't help but notice her legs. They were dry, cracked, and full of red blotches. I didn't think too much of it being that she had to be in her late 60's maybe 70's. When I saw that rain man noticed her legs too, I said a little prayer for this lovely old lady, and hoped he wouldn't ruin her day with his inappropriate comments.

Rain man- man! what happened to your legs?

Old lady- oh this? isn't it terrible?

Rain man- yes! what happened to you? Were you in a fire?

Me- Dear Lord, please make him stop. I really don't want to see an old lady cry today. Amen

Old lady- oh no, not a fire...come here...come a little closer

(Both Rain man and I move in extremely interested)

Old lady- Psoriasis!!!! (then she laughed) I've been dealing with this for years!!!

Rain man- does it hurt?

Old lady- oh no sweet heart, don't worry about hurting me!

At the time that whole encounter happened, I was too upset to see it as a life lesson. It wasn't until I was standing in front of my mirror that it hit me. She had some thick skin! Rain man had pointed out a physical deformity on this lady, and it didn't bother her one bit. When I contemplated why she was able to have that type of inner strength I immediately thought of my younger years as a teacher. Every question from my students about the pimple on my face, impulsive new hair cut, or...the worst of them all "you look pregnant" would leave me in the staff bathroom in tears during my lunch break. Now, I shrug these comments and questions off. "No I'm not pregnant, I'm just bloated. Bloated is what happened when you eat too much salt Jose".

The old lady had been through it! I'm sure worse things had happened to her than some young man asking her about her skin. But, what really got me was how compassionate she was towards him! She wasn't irritated or unkind. She answered him as if she was talking to her best friend. Like, "oh this? this lip stick color, it's midnight red!" - "oh this? it's psoriasis!"

Patience and wisdom sure do come with age. Although 30 is approaching, I know I have a long way to go. Next time I feel insecure from a question someone asks me, I'll say "sure, let me show you my psoriasis".

The jerk

Is it a coincident or the law of cause and effect that after writing my last blog about feeling secure, this weekend I found myself questioning that very thing I said I didn't need to question... Here's how it all went down:

Saturday afternoon my boo and I decided to take a lovely walk over the Mid Hudson walkway. The weather was beautiful, we were arm in arm, dog in tow. Picture perfect activity...until the conversation started to go in the wrong direction. He was recounting a great soccer moment of himself in college, when I asked the dumb question of, "did you have a soccer groupies?" Which in my head, I know he did (he's an amazing athletic and incredibly good looking). His response was, "well, I always had a girlfriend...after you". For some reason, my curiosity got the best of me and I took this as the opportunity to open the ex files. Never a good move ladies. I inquired about the ladies who took my place when our teenage romance ended 11 years ago. It wasn't so much the ex files that bothered me, but the fact that somehow the light got turned on me. He brought up how we broke up, and why we broke up...and at some point in hearing him talk, I realized this was the dreaded conversation, for 11 years, I was hoping was never going to happen. I physically felt ill, I could feel my face turning red, and I had an intense urge to jump off that bridge. Let's go back...

Circa 1998

My boo was in college in Virginia, I was about to start college myself in upstate NY. It was not easy to keep our romance burning for that year he was away from me in Virginia. We naturally started to drift. By the time I began my first year of college, it was clear to me that we weren't going to make it through. I got very caught up in my new life, and I found it harder and harder to keep our connection strong. Our relationship ended on the phone. It was sad...I cried for 3 days straight...but I knew it was the best thing for both of us.

His version of the story went something like this:

Circa 1998

Michelle was about to begin her first year at college in upstate NY. I was returning to Virginia to enter my sophomore year as a soccer star. I knew Michelle was going to give into the temptation of meeting new men, and the attention she was going to receive would be enough for her to drift away. I was just hoping it wouldn't happen. She started telling me about this guy that was hanging around, and before I knew it, she called to break off the relationship. She was probably already with that guy. I was very sad, but I knew it was coming. I had to completely get her out of my head in order to move on.

The same thing (2 different accounts of the same event) happened later in the day when I was obsessing over how I couldn't believe our beautiful walk turned into me wanting to commit suicide from embarrassment, shame, and guilt. We were in the car, and he sensed something was up. I felt I needed to explain my actions from many years ago about the break up. I started to explain that I felt very overwhelmed with...blah blah blah......He quickly shot this down with, "what are you getting at?" I wanted to scream, "so there! that's why I did that to you! I'm not a bad person! I had reasons! Please don't hate me!" But I didn't...I just shut up, and said, "sorry I brought it up".

The rest of the afternoon was painful for me. I literary didn't know what to do with myself. The hard part is that I know it's all over my face when I'm upset, and we were with his family. I didn't want anyone to see me upset, so I excused myself often to the bathroom to try to make sense of this afternoon gone bad. What was it that was bothering me? When I expressed how upset it made me that he was hurt by the way it all went down, he not convincingly said not to worry about it. Not worry about it? How could I not worry about it??!! I was so afraid that he was seeing me as my 18 year old self who wronged him. I actually spent 11 years blocking that day in the relationship out. I can tell you a million amazing things about our early years, but I never talk about that day. It was the day that I was "the jerk".

Someone usually ends up being "the jerk" when a relationship comes to an end. I had an ex boyfriend that was a self proclaimed jerk. Every argument started or ended with, "I'm sorry Michelle, you know I'm a jerk." That's right you are! And I'm not! And I'll never be a jerk!".....and now I realized I was. I internalized feeling like a jerk very hard. Maybe is was because I could never imagine doing that to my boo now. I can't fathom getting "caught up" in something and not keeping my loyalty and promise to the relationship. Or perhaps it was because in the past 11 years I experienced enough relationship pain to know how it feels to be treated LIKE a jerk.

As this thought process unfolded throughout the day, I started to feel extremely insecure. On our ride home, I caught myself "jumping through hoops" to gain a piece of security from him. He wasn't biting. He literally seemed confused, and I didn't want to bring him down my mental maze of misery by sharing my thoughts. So, he went to bed...I went to the other room. I played over and over in my mind the ramifications of me just getting my stuff and going home...in the middle of the night. I admit, this was my first reaction. I wanted to run, far way from feeling insecure, far away from having to deal with feeling like a jerk, far away from anything that didn't resemble pink hearts, butterflies, and hugs. I spent the next 3 hours thinking about what an awful person I was, and why would this awesome man wants to be with this heart breaker. What did he see in me? The insecurities started to creep through the doors. 1:00 am, 2:00 am, 3:00 am and I'm awake to feel the dread of self loathing.

In the morning we went to breakfast. As we were walking to the door of the restaurant, he stopped, took my hand, and kissed it...twice. My whole world got flipped back the right way. Could it all have been in my head? All I needed to be convinced was such a small gesture. Why couldn't he have done that before we went to bed??!! Let me tell you- because he didn't know. How would he have known that? We all speak a different language when it comes to love.

Here's what I've learned after this emotionally draining weekend

1. There are always 2 sides to a story- neither is right. Your story is how YOU perceived it. Trying to convince the other person of your version doesn't make it the right version.

2. Be very cautious about where a conversation road trip could go...curiosity did kill the cat

3. Telling someone why you feel insecure is only half the battle. The other person needs to know how to handle it- and this is hard when you are beginning a relation ship because you just don't know eachother well enough yet. My "love language" is physical affection, so one little kiss on the hand made all of my problems disappear. If only I had let my boo know that piece of information 24 hours earlier.

4. No one wants to realize that they were "the jerk", but once you do....you'll make sure it will NEVER happen again.

5. Everyone has insecurities. Some people are vocal about it, some people can identify it and dismiss is quickly. Some people let it destroy themselves and their relationships. Some people think about it for 24 hours, and then write a blog. But, don't think for a second that you are crazy for feeling insecure. It's how you handle the insecurities that can make you seem crazy. I could have left his house in the middle of the night (stage 9 crazy), but I opted to go to bed instead.

6. You never stop learning about yourself in life

Sekurity...sekurity!

This title comes from a hysterical clip from the show Mad TV from a girl named Bon Qui Qui. If you didn't get the reference, you can watch it after you read my blog. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1k3f3FnF9Yw

Today's topic is about security...feeling secure. Here are the times when I've needed to feel secure:

1. Living in NYC when roommates are like wearing white- gone when Labor day rolls around

2. When I first moved to NYC not quite understanding the fact that I would have huge bills to pay and tried to get my brand new Jetta stolen in Harlem by leaving all of the doors unlocked

3. When I went zip lining in Costa Rica for the first time, looking down at the ravine between the huge mountains in front of me, then looking at this thin little cable that was going to carry my big behind over it

4. When one of my second graders threw a glass Snapple bottle at the wall just missing my head

5. In a relationship

I was chatting with K, one of my best-ies the other day. She was seeking advice as to if she should call her former boo and let him know that she indeed does have feelings for him still. They had an 8 month relationship which was great, but she always felt insecure. In our discussion we (yes we...because you know when you talk to your girlfriends about relationships you always take them on as yourself. Ex- How could that asshole do that to us!) The conclusion was drawn that the reason she felt insecure the whole time was because he never made her his girlfriend. So, my advice was to get it off her chest if she felt she needed to, but inside I was scared because I knew that it wasn't going to change anything. A few days later my prediction was confirmed as she sat at her desk next to me at work looking sad. She said that she spoke with him and he felt the same for her...but the external factors in his life that put a halt to the relation ship hadn't changed. She was still not his girlfriend.

A few days later I was talking with L on the phone (a long time best-ie). She sounded sad too! We were talked about some plans that involved her boo and she said, "well, if we make it till then". "What??? what happened?? Why do you think you're relationship is not going to make it another week?" She then explained that they had a conversation about getting engaged. She had been very clear to him about wanting to be engaged by the spring. He sprung on her that he wasn't ready and he wanted to wait until Spring of 2012. Inside I was thinking, "this is a sign! he wants to wait until 2012...the world's supposed to end in 2012...perhaps your relationship should be ending. I actually felt that way for many other reasons, but as the best friend I always just try to be supportive. My response to her crisis was, "well, if he's not ready then you don't want to be engaged." When I started to dig a little deeper with her it was revealed that she just wanted a whole set of issues with him to disappear. She wanted:

1. Him to stop going out drinking with his friends until 5am

2. Him to put her first

3. Him to WANT to be with her family

4. Him to take her places

the list goes on and on friends

"Well L, can you remind me again as to why you think a ring on your finger is going to change all of that?"

Bam! break though!!!!!!!!!!! I had her thinking. L: "I guess it's not" Your damn right it's not! Right now you are in a better position as a bitter girlfriend than if you waited until 2012 and became the bitter wife.

When I first started dating my ex (which I now realize was a 5 year rebound relationship) I experienced that same feelings. By month 3 I was getting the "am I your girlfriend itch". I brought it up a few times, but as you all know he had a way of making me feel like I was crazy for asking...ie. the key story. What's a gal to do in a situation like this? Well, I methodically planned ways in which it would be uncomfortable for him if I was not called his girlfriend.

1. I invited him to a work event (someone was bound to be drunk enough to corner him and ask if I was his girlfriend)

2. I made it my business to do all of my business in the area of the city where he works as a fireman, so when I "happened" to be in the area standing outside with his buddies chatting, someone would ask him if I was his girlfriend

3. I invited him upstate to my brother in laws birthday party...enough said! My family was NOT going to let him leave with out a confirmation of our status

4. And when all of that failed....I took him away to the Bahamas for his birthday (we were now in month 5 by the way) You don't go to the Bahamas with the girl your just seeing...right??

Well folks, apparently you do!!! Eventually I did become his girlfriend...I honestly don't even remember how that happened. I think I was too emotionally drained and traumatized by events leading up to it.

What do all of these things have in common? Security. We are all looking for some feeling of security in our relationships. Here is where it went horribly wrong for myself, K, and L. We were using some type of status change as a substitution for feeling secure. All of our relationship issues were not going to disappear because we were now the girlfriend or fiance. Sometimes you have to look deeper than that. What is causing this person to not want to take that step? What needs to be changed or fixed in the relationship before both parties feel ready for that? It can't be about something you are trying to obtain externally, it needs to be about something you need to change internally. And that something might make you realize that you two were not meant to be...and that's ok!!! That's what dating is- as having millions of conversations with my girlfriends about this topic, I feel SECURE in saying that women often times place security above the important foundations of a great relationship. We will settle for mediocre and long as that means "you're mine".

I was sharing these conversations with my boo the other day (and I promise it was not to inadvertently bring up the boyfriend/girlfriend conversation). He asked me how I felt about it, and us... My response was "what we have right now is AMAZING" and that's all that matters. I wasn't saying that because I thought that was what he wanted to hear. I said it because I really did mean it. This has been the healthiest relationship I've been in, in a long time (including when we were together the first time).

I feel secure...and if I didn't, I know now I would never jump through hoops to get it.