Saturday afternoon my boo and I decided to take a lovely walk over the Mid Hudson walkway. The weather was beautiful, we were arm in arm, dog in tow. Picture perfect activity...until the conversation started to go in the wrong direction. He was recounting a great soccer moment of himself in college, when I asked the dumb question of, "did you have a soccer groupies?" Which in my head, I know he did (he's an amazing athletic and incredibly good looking). His response was, "well, I always had a girlfriend...after you". For some reason, my curiosity got the best of me and I took this as the opportunity to open the ex files. Never a good move ladies. I inquired about the ladies who took my place when our teenage romance ended 11 years ago. It wasn't so much the ex files that bothered me, but the fact that somehow the light got turned on me. He brought up how we broke up, and why we broke up...and at some point in hearing him talk, I realized this was the dreaded conversation, for 11 years, I was hoping was never going to happen. I physically felt ill, I could feel my face turning red, and I had an intense urge to jump off that bridge. Let's go back...
Circa 1998
My boo was in college in Virginia, I was about to start college myself in upstate NY. It was not easy to keep our romance burning for that year he was away from me in Virginia. We naturally started to drift. By the time I began my first year of college, it was clear to me that we weren't going to make it through. I got very caught up in my new life, and I found it harder and harder to keep our connection strong. Our relationship ended on the phone. It was sad...I cried for 3 days straight...but I knew it was the best thing for both of us.
His version of the story went something like this:
Circa 1998
Michelle was about to begin her first year at college in upstate NY. I was returning to Virginia to enter my sophomore year as a soccer star. I knew Michelle was going to give into the temptation of meeting new men, and the attention she was going to receive would be enough for her to drift away. I was just hoping it wouldn't happen. She started telling me about this guy that was hanging around, and before I knew it, she called to break off the relationship. She was probably already with that guy. I was very sad, but I knew it was coming. I had to completely get her out of my head in order to move on.
The same thing (2 different accounts of the same event) happened later in the day when I was obsessing over how I couldn't believe our beautiful walk turned into me wanting to commit suicide from embarrassment, shame, and guilt. We were in the car, and he sensed something was up. I felt I needed to explain my actions from many years ago about the break up. I started to explain that I felt very overwhelmed with...blah blah blah......He quickly shot this down with, "what are you getting at?" I wanted to scream, "so there! that's why I did that to you! I'm not a bad person! I had reasons! Please don't hate me!" But I didn't...I just shut up, and said, "sorry I brought it up".
The rest of the afternoon was painful for me. I literary didn't know what to do with myself. The hard part is that I know it's all over my face when I'm upset, and we were with his family. I didn't want anyone to see me upset, so I excused myself often to the bathroom to try to make sense of this afternoon gone bad. What was it that was bothering me? When I expressed how upset it made me that he was hurt by the way it all went down, he not convincingly said not to worry about it. Not worry about it? How could I not worry about it??!! I was so afraid that he was seeing me as my 18 year old self who wronged him. I actually spent 11 years blocking that day in the relationship out. I can tell you a million amazing things about our early years, but I never talk about that day. It was the day that I was "the jerk".
Someone usually ends up being "the jerk" when a relationship comes to an end. I had an ex boyfriend that was a self proclaimed jerk. Every argument started or ended with, "I'm sorry Michelle, you know I'm a jerk." That's right you are! And I'm not! And I'll never be a jerk!".....and now I realized I was. I internalized feeling like a jerk very hard. Maybe is was because I could never imagine doing that to my boo now. I can't fathom getting "caught up" in something and not keeping my loyalty and promise to the relationship. Or perhaps it was because in the past 11 years I experienced enough relationship pain to know how it feels to be treated LIKE a jerk.
As this thought process unfolded throughout the day, I started to feel extremely insecure. On our ride home, I caught myself "jumping through hoops" to gain a piece of security from him. He wasn't biting. He literally seemed confused, and I didn't want to bring him down my mental maze of misery by sharing my thoughts. So, he went to bed...I went to the other room. I played over and over in my mind the ramifications of me just getting my stuff and going home...in the middle of the night. I admit, this was my first reaction. I wanted to run, far way from feeling insecure, far away from having to deal with feeling like a jerk, far away from anything that didn't resemble pink hearts, butterflies, and hugs. I spent the next 3 hours thinking about what an awful person I was, and why would this awesome man wants to be with this heart breaker. What did he see in me? The insecurities started to creep through the doors. 1:00 am, 2:00 am, 3:00 am and I'm awake to feel the dread of self loathing.
In the morning we went to breakfast. As we were walking to the door of the restaurant, he stopped, took my hand, and kissed it...twice. My whole world got flipped back the right way. Could it all have been in my head? All I needed to be convinced was such a small gesture. Why couldn't he have done that before we went to bed??!! Let me tell you- because he didn't know. How would he have known that? We all speak a different language when it comes to love.
Here's what I've learned after this emotionally draining weekend
1. There are always 2 sides to a story- neither is right. Your story is how YOU perceived it. Trying to convince the other person of your version doesn't make it the right version.
2. Be very cautious about where a conversation road trip could go...curiosity did kill the cat
3. Telling someone why you feel insecure is only half the battle. The other person needs to know how to handle it- and this is hard when you are beginning a relation ship because you just don't know eachother well enough yet. My "love language" is physical affection, so one little kiss on the hand made all of my problems disappear. If only I had let my boo know that piece of information 24 hours earlier.
4. No one wants to realize that they were "the jerk", but once you do....you'll make sure it will NEVER happen again.
5. Everyone has insecurities. Some people are vocal about it, some people can identify it and dismiss is quickly. Some people let it destroy themselves and their relationships. Some people think about it for 24 hours, and then write a blog. But, don't think for a second that you are crazy for feeling insecure. It's how you handle the insecurities that can make you seem crazy. I could have left his house in the middle of the night (stage 9 crazy), but I opted to go to bed instead.
6. You never stop learning about yourself in life
