Today's topic is about security...feeling secure. Here are the times when I've needed to feel secure:
1. Living in NYC when roommates are like wearing white- gone when Labor day rolls around
2. When I first moved to NYC not quite understanding the fact that I would have huge bills to pay and tried to get my brand new Jetta stolen in Harlem by leaving all of the doors unlocked
3. When I went zip lining in Costa Rica for the first time, looking down at the ravine between the huge mountains in front of me, then looking at this thin little cable that was going to carry my big behind over it
4. When one of my second graders threw a glass Snapple bottle at the wall just missing my head
5. In a relationship
I was chatting with K, one of my best-ies the other day. She was seeking advice as to if she should call her former boo and let him know that she indeed does have feelings for him still. They had an 8 month relationship which was great, but she always felt insecure. In our discussion we (yes we...because you know when you talk to your girlfriends about relationships you always take them on as yourself. Ex- How could that asshole do that to us!) The conclusion was drawn that the reason she felt insecure the whole time was because he never made her his girlfriend. So, my advice was to get it off her chest if she felt she needed to, but inside I was scared because I knew that it wasn't going to change anything. A few days later my prediction was confirmed as she sat at her desk next to me at work looking sad. She said that she spoke with him and he felt the same for her...but the external factors in his life that put a halt to the relation ship hadn't changed. She was still not his girlfriend.
A few days later I was talking with L on the phone (a long time best-ie). She sounded sad too! We were talked about some plans that involved her boo and she said, "well, if we make it till then". "What??? what happened?? Why do you think you're relationship is not going to make it another week?" She then explained that they had a conversation about getting engaged. She had been very clear to him about wanting to be engaged by the spring. He sprung on her that he wasn't ready and he wanted to wait until Spring of 2012. Inside I was thinking, "this is a sign! he wants to wait until 2012...the world's supposed to end in 2012...perhaps your relationship should be ending. I actually felt that way for many other reasons, but as the best friend I always just try to be supportive. My response to her crisis was, "well, if he's not ready then you don't want to be engaged." When I started to dig a little deeper with her it was revealed that she just wanted a whole set of issues with him to disappear. She wanted:
1. Him to stop going out drinking with his friends until 5am
2. Him to put her first
3. Him to WANT to be with her family
4. Him to take her places
the list goes on and on friends
"Well L, can you remind me again as to why you think a ring on your finger is going to change all of that?"
Bam! break though!!!!!!!!!!! I had her thinking. L: "I guess it's not" Your damn right it's not! Right now you are in a better position as a bitter girlfriend than if you waited until 2012 and became the bitter wife.
When I first started dating my ex (which I now realize was a 5 year rebound relationship) I experienced that same feelings. By month 3 I was getting the "am I your girlfriend itch". I brought it up a few times, but as you all know he had a way of making me feel like I was crazy for asking...ie. the key story. What's a gal to do in a situation like this? Well, I methodically planned ways in which it would be uncomfortable for him if I was not called his girlfriend.
1. I invited him to a work event (someone was bound to be drunk enough to corner him and ask if I was his girlfriend)
2. I made it my business to do all of my business in the area of the city where he works as a fireman, so when I "happened" to be in the area standing outside with his buddies chatting, someone would ask him if I was his girlfriend
3. I invited him upstate to my brother in laws birthday party...enough said! My family was NOT going to let him leave with out a confirmation of our status
4. And when all of that failed....I took him away to the Bahamas for his birthday (we were now in month 5 by the way) You don't go to the Bahamas with the girl your just seeing...right??
Well folks, apparently you do!!! Eventually I did become his girlfriend...I honestly don't even remember how that happened. I think I was too emotionally drained and traumatized by events leading up to it.
What do all of these things have in common? Security. We are all looking for some feeling of security in our relationships. Here is where it went horribly wrong for myself, K, and L. We were using some type of status change as a substitution for feeling secure. All of our relationship issues were not going to disappear because we were now the girlfriend or fiance. Sometimes you have to look deeper than that. What is causing this person to not want to take that step? What needs to be changed or fixed in the relationship before both parties feel ready for that? It can't be about something you are trying to obtain externally, it needs to be about something you need to change internally. And that something might make you realize that you two were not meant to be...and that's ok!!! That's what dating is- as having millions of conversations with my girlfriends about this topic, I feel SECURE in saying that women often times place security above the important foundations of a great relationship. We will settle for mediocre and long as that means "you're mine".
I was sharing these conversations with my boo the other day (and I promise it was not to inadvertently bring up the boyfriend/girlfriend conversation). He asked me how I felt about it, and us... My response was "what we have right now is AMAZING" and that's all that matters. I wasn't saying that because I thought that was what he wanted to hear. I said it because I really did mean it. This has been the healthiest relationship I've been in, in a long time (including when we were together the first time).
I feel secure...and if I didn't, I know now I would never jump through hoops to get it.
